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"I don't go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time." -Harley Quinn

“I keep so much pain
inside myself,
I grasp my anger and loneliness
and hold it in my chest.
It has changed me into something
I never meant to be.
It has transformed me into a person
I do not recognize;
But I don’t know
how to let it go.”
– S.J.B.


https://themindsjournal.com/i-keep-so-much-pain

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2 am thoughts πŸ¦‹

Tired of being the silent "1 in 3"

*Trigger warning/self-care for trauma/sexual violence/possible triggers for many traumatic experiences*

#coercivecontrol #voiceslost #breakingthecycle STARTS with Global activism from all four corners of the World. Intimate Partner Violence or #GenderBasedViolence does not discriminate #race #cultue #reigiousassictaion #socioeconimcstatus & #beliefsystems.  #16Days #GenderEquality #1in3 

It’s been a long four and half years since I woke up after an induced coma, hearing that my unborm child had passed due to the injuries she succumbed to by her biological father & my personal life (intimate partner violence) was no longer a thing people COULD NOT talk about; that day was the I never felt more victimized than I had felt in the past (in my abusive relationship)…& oh boy, did it ever get worse, then good again, worse, good, okay, really bad, & then it eventually became something that I had to learn to compartmentalize in tiny corner of my brain. Only I truly know the truth: I wanna scream, yell, fight be “crazy” and tell the people that should love me unconditionally, without a question of a doubt, betrayed me the most. Fast forward four and half years later (to present time) & not much has changed; behavior of any kind is just more passive & definitely extremely avoid-ant. 

Case in point:Β https://montreal.ctvnews.ca/anti-feminist-blogger-accused-of-glorifying-polytechnique-murderer-remains-behind-bars-1.4723514

“Rochefort said men should not live with women, that they should be “exiled” and that they should be “assassinated if they refuse.” He referred to feminism as a “cancer,” adding that “every woman is a potential enemy.” 

Excuse my language: But what the effing hell!!!!!!!

6 days after the anniversary of the single most heinous crime against HUMANITY (read that again, against humanit) was honoured…..is our society so ignorant or just plain stupid! 

πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ 

So what do we invisble people do? Well you are going to tell yourself that you have this. Remember, before anyone found out about your abuse or even helped, you did it all on your own. That is your super power. Í tried way too many to “be normal, do what is expected in recovery & make everyone in my life feel good about MY ABUSE, the violent death of my daughter, the dread & hell””: after about the tenth try, you stop. 

You start to feel resilient, angry at the world (that is to protect you emotionally and physically), & you begin to realize that YOU & you alone got you through this. Remember  you lived in a contsattn state of fear for your life: always waiting to see if the next blow would be the one that would permemantelt take you out for good, but it never came. Nothing in this world will ever break your heart again, make you want to die & wish you would be able to never wake up from the “rabbit hole” that is your life. 

STOP MAKING APOLOGIES FOR THE PERSON YOU ARE BECOMING. YOU WERE APPEARED TO BE VIEWED AS CRAZY & UNSTABLE DURING AND AFTER THE ABUSE, BUT NO ONE TAKES A MINUTE TO REALIZE THAT YOU DID NOT GET YOURSELF THERE. SO DO YOU & REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO GET TO LIVE EVERYDAY LIKE YOU’RE DYING: YOU WENT THROUGH HELL & BACK, CONQUERED & ARE HERE TO BREATHE THE NEXT DAY IN. THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A MINUTE & RELISH THE FEELING YOU ARE GETTING: RESILIENCY, STRENGTH, & YES SOME SOME PRIDE. 

πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŽ—πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ πŸŸ πŸ¦‹πŸŸ 

On a personal & more vulnerable note:

Not a day goes by that I would (pray, bargain with “God”, beg my daughter who died because of me, to give me a sign) & like “magic”, I finally wake up differently – & like magic, the world had somehow changed, even a morsel i.e. my papa would call & it would be a happy, real  & intimate conservation that family members should have with each other. Or it could be the news I have been waiting on for so long: that my past 9 years, almost ten years of absolute intimate partner  violence was all just a horrible long nightmare & today would be the that day that Alice finally climbed out of that rabbit hole. 

After all my guilt, utter embarrassment, and extreme low self esteem caused by a life that surrounded around by crime & calice demeanor.  I am finally forced to acknowledge my presence on this Earth every day of my wakening moment since then. I used to look at myself in the mirror and not even 10 seconds would go by and I stopped staring at the face reflecting back at me. I make it a point daily, even on my worst of days (they occur less often, but when they do the intensity & severity of them has almost tripled). 

Sometimes you just I have to stay silent because no words can even begin to describe the s*** that goes on in my mind: consciously or sub-consciously. I have come to accept the reality & sobering truth that the people closest to you in your life are those that “are supposed” to be one of the few to provide you support, comfort & a source of strength because 9 times out of 10, the other relationships you have formed up to that point, WILL NOT BE THERE (#soberingtruth #kickintheface #lifelesson #1in3). Another problem arises with this sudden truth that slaps you right  across the face & that is the following: after some time after you have escaped your abuser, the ones that have managed to stay around in your life (& think they are heroes, saints & super empaths for it – insert sarcasm) will subconsciously get you to agree to keep the peace about “your past, the trauma & the horrible truths, events and realities during that time because they asininely believe that this will help you in some way.Unfortunately, that is not the case. I did this for some time, and that means you’re disrespecting your own boundaries. 

You begin to make yourself uncomfortable for others to feel comfortable & live in a make believe reality. The cycle of abuse & victimization continues & continues UNTIL you take control OF YOUR OWN TRUE & raw feelings therefore you start running your life (emotionally & mentally). That is the hardest part or step to initiate – the rest of the other decisions you make from there on seem much less gut wrenching. Take up space; if those who were there are no longer THEN begin to take and demand space in your own consciousness & use your voice – raw, pure & perfectly imperfect. In that moment you have become a positive instrument for the change needed against the war on intimate partner violence on the home front & internationally. Seeing & recognizing unhealthy patterns in your relationships after you have left your abuser is one of the necessary things that have to occur for inner healing to occur – I have just recently accepted and honored that truth (almost ten years later). 

Once you begin to see unhealthy patterns in your family dynamic & putting a name to them, you have two choices: end the pattern of narcissistic & toxic family patterns or to continue them.Β  This is an extremely brave & very hard decision (because even your family will MOST definitely project that you are “going the rabbit hole”, will most definitely relapse on whatever your drug of choice is and or was and most hurtful will try to make you fee guilty once more that “you are causing turmoil in the finally functioning circle they have managed to re-build caused BY your reckless, selfish & evil actions”. Take a minute or two to get angry, sad, cry, have a few drinks too many & turn off the world for a while; but know this, that feeling WILL fade & you will begin to feel empowered & in control – healing from your trauma in positive way once more. You will begin to feel extremely proud of yourself for knowing this secret weapon you posses (that not many on this planet do): “What a beautiful & perfectly imperfect thing thing it is to be able to stand tall & say I fell apart more times than I care to admit or discuss, but I got back every timeΒ & will continue to do so

“When things change inside of you, things start to change around you.” -Alice Unhinged

#resiliencybuilds #warriorstong #ptsdsurvivor #thriver #1in3 #stopIPV #babyb&me25 #heidianna613 #EndVAWΒ #VAWΒ #domesticviolenceΒ #16Days

LINK: https://interactive.unwomen.org/mystory/en/index.html#/